Comments on the party platforms (post I)

I was actually hoping to find things in the Democrat platform with which I could concur. I expected to find much in each that I agreed with and much in each that I disagreed with. It was not to be. Even without reading between the lines, the Dem platform is scary. And one must indeed read between the lines, since the actual text is largely a mish-mash of truisms and double-talk.

Here, I have attempted to form an opinion as to a translation of the state Democratic platform into language that I can more readily appreciate. Here, then, is my translation of the Dem platform, based on my personal experiences observing New Hampshire Democrats, reading their sponsored legislation, and being subject to their methods of governance. In reading their platform, I have to say that I am reminded of nothing so much as Mr Clinton's tried-and-tested "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." In other words, it is hard to read their platform without getting a distinct sense that they struggled to finesse every last sentence and phrase to say one thing while giving a distinct and often quite opposite impression. I urge you to read the below in conjunction with their original platform and form your own, independent opinion as to their intent. If you come up with a really good translation for one of the paragraphs, post it in a comment and I may update the text accordingly.

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2008 State Platform

1.1 New Hampshire Democratic Party Platform

We stand for abstract, but nice-sounding things over which we have limited or indirect control; and for a deep respect for other Democrats. We pledge to build a socialist nanny-state but when we are forced to hold fast to the constitution, we will do so to the extent that we must.


Strong Families

2.1 Education

We support state-funded education at all levels and throughout every tiny bit of the state, with as good and comprehensive a state education available in the small rural communities as in the densest and largest of suburbs. Our schools will work to narrow and reduce academic achievements and grades until there is nothing to distinguish people from each other, regardless of their intelligence or promise, and in spite of the means available to the parents to afford their children better opportunities. Our University and Community College Systems should drain New Hampshire’s purse, but return such goodwill and talent to the communities that the net effect on the the State’s economy will be enormously positive. They will do this by offering courses to everyone and anyone without let, hindrance or entrance requirements, at a lowest common denominator cost which will be subsidized by the state.

2.2 Health Care

Every person deserves access to artificially cheap, restricted, and limited subsidized health care. We promote initiatives to further limit your health care, but to make sure that even the rich are similarly limited, and promise to spend lots of your money in the rural communities in spite of their low population density.

2.3 Veterans

We honor the innumerable sacrifices made by our military personnel and their families. We will try to get taxpayers from all of the other 49 states to pay for veterans' health care, education and disability costs. All efforts must be made to find ways to spend these federal monies. Even though we think they were nuts for fighting in the war, we welcome veterans back into our communities with honor and will be happy to re-educate them based on our doctrine.

2.4 Consumer Protection

We know you hate big business and so do we, although we really hate small businesses more. If someone else has more money than you, especially if they're a business, we will tell you that we're working for you. We believe in strong consumer protection laws, especially those that cost businesses money. We oppose businesses taking advantage of your stupidity and will seek to protect you from yourself.

2.5 Child and Dependent Care

You should not be asked to take care of your own family members in this day and age. This is the rightful responsibility of everyone else. Anyone so heroic as to be willing to deal with those drooling old people or screaming, crying babies (no, this time we don't mean the Republicans) will be paid really well.

2.6 Housing

No true liberal should be forced to live at home with their parents, and no indolent person should have to work for a bed. Subsidized housing is essential to our plans to provide jobs for the poor and to remove equity from the middle class.

2.7 Economic Security

We support New Hampshire workers by punishing business for employing them by maintaining the unconstitutional business taxes within the state at or above present levels. The only new businesses we support will be ones who qualify to receive your money through the provision, by us or our federal colleagues, of earmarks, grants and incentives, and other cunning, barely-legal mutual assistance schemes.


Strong Economy

3.1 Labor

We oppose efforts, including free speech and political lobbying, which seeks to oppose unions or collective bargaining of any kind. Anyone who is deemed to have disregarded worker’s rights should be summarily sentenced to death by firing squad.

3.2 Rural Development

We recognize that the way to keep our rural communities voting our way is to addict them to government spending and to force others to make it easier and cheaper for the Democrat who chooses to live in the middle of nowhere, by subsidizing his infrastructure, including roads, bridges, water, sewer, telecommunications, and broadband access. We haven't forgotten about the necessity of more federal government aid for rural hospitals and health care providers.

3.3 Business Investment

We will continue to rest on the dying laurels of New Hampshire's proud history of fiscal conservatism and spending restraint by claiming the continued relative strength of its economy as a being a result of our policies.

3.4 Infrastructure

Public spending is good. It's OK if we spend more than we have, and borrow from our children and our children's children, because in doing so we are strengthening their economy, and deny vigorously that we are burdening them with debt and with the further need to maintain these infrastructure investments which have lifespans of only a few decades or a century at best. We recognize that the North Country of our state votes has an enhanced need for these investments to make sure they keep voting as we would like. When it comes to the southern part of the state, we support a growing, innovative voter base consisting of Democrats from the Boston suburbs, which we can achieve by building new mass transit options for New Hampshire commuters.

3.5 Taxation

We believe that the citizens of New Hampshire deserve a system of taxation that distributes the tax burden away from our voters. Property taxes, although constitutional, are not nearly as good as an unconstitutional and progressive income tax, and although we are loth to commit to this here, we will form a committee and agree to this privately next week.


Strong Communities

4.1 Public Safety

We believe that the government should interpose itself at all times and in all places. We want to victimize, again and again, any who offend us. We support strong legislation against those who hate socialism, or who would criticize families for failing to take care of themselves. Although we believe that the effect of the crime on victims should be considered in imposing punishment, we will not mandate restitution to victims, but will be happy to re-educate the victims if needs be.

4.2 Environment, Agriculture, and Energy Policy

We will punish New Hampshire’s farming heritage and natural environment by acting decisively to address the hypothetical and unproven threat of global warming. We will restrict people's property rights by placing limits on development and restricting land use. We commit to the reduction of greenhouse gases through policies that punish those who use too much energy or whom we perceive as inefficient, and we will subsidize those who acquiesce to these hypotheses by adopting "green" technologies, recognizing that in doing so we will also be supporting left-leaning businesses.


Live Free or Die Tradition

5.1 Civil Rights and Privacy

We value an open and accessible state government, provided it protects the Democrat's fundamental freedoms to scheme and our expectations of privacy in this scheming. We pledge to fight all efforts to identify voter fraud.

5.2 Fiscal Responsibility

In the New Hampshire tradition, fiscal responsibility and balanced budgets are necessary for a frugal and effective government. Make no mistake: we intend to be neither frugal nor effective. We believe in using taxpayer resources wisely to achieve the greatest pro-Dem voter swing and to do so will make strategic investments in building a stronger New Hampshire. Again, we believe in the long term savings that can come from spending future putative earnings to defray today's expenses. The increasing cost of maintaining basic services is not being properly recognized in the State budget. The need to pay for our spending is putting a heavy burden on all citizens. Therefore, we support collecting more revenues, even if they involve unconstitutional taxes on wages, salaries, earnings, capital gains and other income.

5.3 Reproductive Health and Safety

We support your right to kill your baby, even if you deliberately created it. We will promote policies to ensure all men and women including teenagers are protected from those who might try to educate or influence them in the ways of sexual procreation, other than as we might have them do.

5.4 First in the Nation Primary

We will strive to preserve New Hampshire’s responsibilities as the First in the Nation Primary. No, we won't tell you what this means, but suffice to say it won't be good.

5.5 Open Government and Right to Know

We believe government should be accountable to the people at every level and should operate in an open and transparent manner. It should not, however, be accountable to itself, to uphold its own rules and procedures, and it is important that open political debate with which we disagree be shut down at the earliest opportunity, without reference to the rules. The people have a right to know what their government is doing. However, as soon as we can get RSA 91 repealed, the people won't have this right any more.

5.6 Fair and Free Elections

All voters have a right to vote. Thus, there can no longer be such a thing as voter fraud, by definition. All voters have a right to have equal ability to run for office. This will require that the intelligent voters be made dumb, and the rich voters be made poor, and the likeable voters be smitten, and the pretty voters be dropped out of the ugly tree. Thus will we transform every voter into our likeness, and rule the state for ever more. Amen.